Rossleigh’s Predictions For 2015
Now, I know that many of you will be aware of the fact that I
predicted that I’d never be the sort of person who made predictions.
Particularly after Tony Abbott actually made it to Prime Minister.
However, I feel that, as nobody in the media ever seems to feel
embarrassed that their predictions have proven spectacularly wrong, I
might as compile my own prediction list, just so I can claim how
accurate I was if I’m right. If I’m wrong, I can just ignore it and
never mention it again, just like all those ads that were telling me how
to prepare for the stock market crash of 2013.
Ok, predictions for 2015! Here goes:
- Abbott will be asked if he thinks that he should appoint someone
else as Minister for Women but he’ll assure us that he’s the only person
in his government who trully “gets women” and understands the
particular problems some of them have getting pregnant – like
infertility or not having a man. - There will speculation about a possible leadership challenge from Julie Bishop.
- Speculation will intensify when Bishop says categorically that she has no desire to be PM.
- Steve Bracks will make a bid for a seat in federal politics leading to speculation about him as a future PM.
- Christopher Pyne will suggest that the words “hypocrite” and “inconsistent” should be considered unParliamentary.
- Joe Hockey will claim wages being too high is the reason for high unemployment.#
- Joe Hockey will claim a lack of wages growth is the reason for his inability to get the Budget back into surplus.#
- Sources “high up in the Liberal Party” will be critical of Tony
Abbott, but tell everyone that he is safe because everyone is too scared
of Peta Credlin to launch a challenge. - David Leyonhjelm will announce that we use introduce a “user pays”
system when voting in elections, before asserting that if everyone
carried a gun, there’d be no need for elections. - It will be discovered that Bronwyn Bishop is completely deaf in her
left ear, and has only been ejecting Labor MPs after secret signals from
the Government side. - Scott Morrison will tell everyone that he has a soft spot for people
who’ve been on benefits for more than a year. It will later be
discovered that by “soft spot” he meant a boggy swamp where they could
all be hidden. - A scandal involving the misappropriation of funds by a prominent
Liberal will be headed “Labor Fail To Notice Dishonesty” in the Murdoch
Papers. - Rebekah Brooks will be given a job in Australia leading to some
nasty comments that a couple of hundred years ago it was the ones who
were found guilty who were sent to the colonies. - One of Abbott’s ministers will be praised as one of their best
performers, only for it later to be discovered that he/she has been
suffering from agoraphobia and hasn’t left their home for the past year. - Barnaby Joyce will tell us that the Senate should be abolished as
it’s unnecessary, a waste of money and a frustration for democratically
elected government. When asked if felt this way when he was a senator,
he’ll argue that back in those days the Senate was fulfilling the
worthwhile role of stopping the Labor government from introducing an
Emissions Trading Scheme. - Some readers will attempt to use reason and logic to argue with one
of the trolls making comments, when the person making the comment
clearly has a limited relationship with the real world, so abstract
concepts like coherent arguments will bounce off them like bullets off
Superman’s chest. (Like Superman, these trolls will often have a secret
identity and feel very sure of themselves, but unlike Superman, they’ll
never actually accomplish anything apart from making people wonder
whether the education system is failing or whether it’s just a few
Queenslanders who’ve spent too long in the sun.)
That’s it. We’ll see how many I get right.
# Yes, I know this has already happened, I’m predicting it’ll happen again. And again.
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